It’s July—the second month in my year of calm.

My plan for this month was to go caffeine-free, but I’m pivoting. I’m not ready to give up the juice just yet. Instead, to de-stress, I’m doing something completely unplanned: three things I enjoy every single day.

It started with housework.

For months I’d felt like I was carrying the brunt of it in our house and was becoming resentful. So, I made a ginormous list of chores, intending to set up a schedule and split them down the middle between Todd and me.

When I brought up the idea, Todd looked like I’d just suggested he get a voluntary colonoscopy.

“Maybe this isn’t the way to handle this,” I thought.

So instead of pushing ahead, I started Googling “ways to get your husband to do the chores.” That’s when I stumbled across Laura Doyle’s podcast: The Empowered Wife.

I cringed at the name. It brought up images of 1950s housewives and patriarchal societies run by the religious far right, where a woman’s place is doing what her husband tells her.

I didn’t need to be empowered—I’m already empowered! I bring home half the income. I don’t tiptoe around Todd. I communicate openly and honestly with him. And if he doesn’t like what I say, that’s on him—not me.

So, expecting some bullshit Handmaid’s Tale rhetoric, I tentatively started listening—first to the podcast, then to the audiobook of the same name.

I didn’t agree with everything Laura said, but I did recognize a key thread—one that I’d forgotten in my day-to-day life with my fiancé:

Men want to please women.

When I was single, this revelation changed my entire approach to dating. It transformed the quality of men I attracted and my experiences on dates. Later, as a dating coach, this perspective shaped the recommendations I gave my clients: He asked you out because he wants to impress you, make you happy, be the hero. Let him.

I have no doubt Todd wants to please me. He buys my favorite snacks, cooks meals, works hard at a stressful job, drives our dog to daycare, plays music with me, fixes things, built an amazing performing space in our garage, and does countless other things to create a beautiful home and life for us.

But he doesn’t want to be told what to do. Most men don’t. They need to feel like they’re choosing what they do—and especially how they do it.

(Last month, as an experiment, I didn’t pick up after Todd for four days—despite every bone in my body wanting to. It took him three days longer than it would’ve taken me, but eventually he tidied up.)

Laura wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t know. The truth was, I’d just forgotten it.

In my pursuit of a beautiful home and life, I’d become focused on controlling how Todd did things, rather than receiving and appreciating what he was already doing.

The antidote, according to Laura Doyle, is to stop depending on your partner for happiness and focus instead on pleasing yourself:

Make a list of what you enjoy—and then do three of those things every day.

So, in the past two weeks, I’ve danced, gone swimming, had coffee with a friend, watched a rom-com, painted my nails, gone for a bike ride, and eaten a mango. I’ve also gone hiking, watched the sun set through the trees, discovered new music on Spotify, listened to Toto IV in its entirety (amazing album!), and meditated for ten minutes almost every day.

I’m enjoying summer in a way I haven’t in years.

Every day, I do something that reminds me of who I was before I started putting pressure on myself to prove something or be perfect. Every day, I’m reminded of what I was like as a girl.

Granted, it’s not all rainbows and unicorns. Work is still occasionally stressful and top of mind. Some days I forget to commit to something pleasurable. Today, I woke up with a cold and all I wanted to do was drink tea, read a book, and write this blog—and that’s okay too. It’s about honoring the self and your needs.

So, what about the housework and getting Todd to do more of it?

As I’ve leaned into this pleasure practice, something surprising has happened. I’ve let go of the need for a home that looks ready for a House & Garden shoot. I’m okay with letting Todd clean up his messes at his own pace. At the same time, I’ve started deliberately noticing and appreciating all the things he does do. And perhaps most importantly, I’ve become okay with him not doing everything the way I might.

As a result, I’ve noticed Todd actually cleans up a lot more than I was giving him credit for. I just needed to step back and give him the opportunity to do it—without jumping in first.

And so, on this beautiful summer day, the dishes can stay in the sink and the laundry in the hamper.

I’m picking black-eyed Susans from my backyard to put in a vase, reading a good book, and chilling on the patio… while sipping black tea.

I’ll kick the caffeine habit one day. But today, I’m choosing serenity over scrubbing, peace over perfection, and connection over clutter. Life is messy. I’m dealing with it—with messy joy.