I’m writing this on a picnic table on my back deck. Apple blossoms rain down from the crab apple tree next to me. The lilacs in front of me are in full bloom.

My fiancé is working in the garage, clearing it out for the house concerts we’ll be holding this summer. My dog, Angus, sits on the pavement watching him. Last night we built a bonfire in the backyard, got out the guitars, played music and ate smores.

I am privileged and I am blessed. I am also stressed.

Almost every night for the past three years, I’ve woken with severe heartburn. Sometimes, it’s once or twice. At it’s worst it’s four or five times.

Tums and Pepto Bismol doesn’t fix it.

I’ve tried multiple over-the-counter and prescription medications, protein pump inhibitors,  low acid diets, food elimination diets, natural remedies, estrogen therapy, sleeping on a wedge, propping my bed up on bricks, even cabbage juice– nothing has worked.

The technical term for what I have is GERD (gastroesophageal reflux disease).

Without a family doctor to advocate for me, finding relief has been an ongoing series of visiting walk-in clinics, going for tests, requesting the results from the provincial health authority (incidentally, the same organization I work for in a completely different capacity) and repeating this entire sequence.

Last year, I had an endoscopy, a procedure where a specialist inserts a tiny camera down your throat and into your stomach to see what’s going on. When I awoke from the anesthesia, the gastroenterologist told me I have a hiatal hernia: the top of my stomach is bulging through my diaphragm into my chest – a common cause of GERD.

Finally, an answer.

When the medication he prescribed didn’t work, I wasn’t flustered.  Knowing what was wrong, I now knew I could get an operation to fix this.  

Back I go to another clinic to see another doctor who tells me I need one final test (a barium x-ray) before I can be put on a wait list for the operation.  I am elated! The end is insight!  

The day after the x-ray, I get a call from a nurse.

“The image showed nothing wrong with you so we can’t refer you for an operation.”

I cry for an hour.

And… I’m back to square one.

Other than paying money I don’t have to see a private doctor in another country and trying  acupuncture (which I’ve put next on the list), I don’t know what else to do.

Last night I woke three times feeling like someone was pouring acid into my chest cavity.  When I do sleep, I have recurring dreams where I am ostracized, bullied and abused. In these dreams I rage like I never rage in real life.  On mornings like this, I am exhausted.

Early in this journey, I saw a dietician/naturopath who told me I likely had an ulcer.

“The most important thing you can do,” he said, “is keep your stress levels low.”

I laughed. At the time, I’d just been through one of the most stressful periods of my life.

Tests later ruled out an ulcer, but perhaps he was on to something. More and more research is showing that the gut and our mental health are inextricably linked. A 2023 study found that people with moderate to high stress levels were almost two times more likely to experience more frequent heartburn and other symptoms of GERD. 

The idea that stress might be instrumental in my suffering isn’t that far fetched. Especially that since  2022 – when the heartburn started – my life has been a rollercoaster of non-stop change.  But even now after things have settled – I have a good job, a beautiful home, a man I love and a better-behaved dog – the stress is still there.

At work, priorities and plans keep shifting and I constantly feel like I’m falling behind. At home, I worry about money and the dog and my partner’s health and maintaining our connection. Beyond the GERD, my body is changing in ways I don’t like. I have pains in my hips and toes and back (and as of this morning a weird one in my left boob.)

Add to this a dash of menopause, a touch of perfectionism, and a splash of suppressed rage and it’s not surprising that my stomach is acting like a volcano about to explode.

Some days it’s all too much.  I don’t want to go on this way. I don’t think my body will let me.

This week I turn 55.

I recently found a list of goals from my mid-40s. At the top of it, I’d written the words “slow down.” This feeling isn’t new.  Ten years ago, it was mind saying it. Now my body is chiming in.

I want space to breathe. I want more moments of noticing and appreciating the beauty around me. I want more campfires and music and sex and puppy cuddles and fun.

I want calm.

And I want this heartburn to go away.

At the same time, I recognize that I’m a list maker and an action-taker.  My default mode isn’t to be. It’s to do.  Being is a skill I need to practice.

So, I’ve set myself a new goal – a series of small goals actually – to help myself learn how to stress less.

Each month for the next year, I’m going to explore a different action to help me do this.

1. Set boundaries around my time – June
2. Go caffeine-free – July
3. Practice mindful eating – August
4. Cut out processed and artificial sugar – September
5. Meditate for 5 minutes daily – October
6. Consume less: do a “buy nothing month” and pay down debt – November
7. Exercise 5 times a week – December
8. Have more sex – January
9. Create more: spend 30 minutes a day practicing/writing music – February
10. Take breaks – March
11. Get social –  have weekly “girl dates” or other social connections- April
12. Do a digital detox: Go one month without TV and social media – May

I’ll report back on my efforts through this blog.  I have no idea if this will help decrease the heartburn (I hope it will but if not I’ll keep trying to find other solutions). But,   do imagine most of these have an impact on the rest of my life.

Some of them – like exercise and cutting out caffeine and sugar – I know from prior experience level out my moods.  To be honest, I already schedule in exercise 2 to 3 times a week and I won’t be stopping that: just ramping up and/or changing my routine. Also, I won’t be waiting until January to have sex with Todd, LOL. I’ll just use that month to explore some ways to keep our physical connection spicey when life stressors and decreases in hormones are making it all that more appealing to just flake on the couch.

Normally, I would try to do all of these at the same time, fail at one, and then give up on the rest.  By just piloting one per month, I’m reducing the demands on myself and also giving myself an out.  I don’t have to keep up after the month is over. If I do, great! If not, I’ll have a record of what works and what doesn’t for future reference.

I can’t control all of the stressors in my life, but I can control how I react to them. I am fortunate that I have the luxury of being able to do this. Not everyone can.   

I am privileged and I am blessed.

And in my 55^th year, I learning how to be less stressed.